I’m writing here because I don’t know where else to write and I feel like writing. I suppose a journal would make sense but I don’t want to feel alone in the world. Isn’t that why we write blogs? So we can share what we think and feel with other people without pushing our thoughts and feelings on them? I like that if someone wants to read this, they can, but I’m not making anyone. A blog needs to be sought out.
Which means I’m free to write whatever I want because no one is going to read this!!!! Yippee!!!!!! I haven’t written a blog post for about 9 months so what little followers I had have bound to have given up. Which I suppose was the point of me giving up writing. I didn’t feel like living in public anymore. I didn’t want attention. I wanted space. I wanted time to focus my energy on living my life rather than reflecting on it. But now I’m finding that I need some quiet reflection to make sense of what I’ve done and where I’m at, literally that physical place I’ve landed finally, Montclair, NJ.
We were on a journey. Our baby died. And then we wanted another baby and we had another baby and we didn’t bring her home, we drove our two week old baby across the country from Tennessee to California. It’s so strange to write this and realize that we really did this. She was so fragile and we took her so far away from our home. We made a new home in a beautiful place because it was beautiful. And because…..? Why did we do that?
Well, maybe we weren’t ready to go home yet. That’s what I’ve come to believe. Because I tell you what, coming home was hard. Landing, with all our stuff and all our emotional baggage, it was like my whole life was hitting me from childhood to present.
We’re doing good because we keep on sticking in it. Last week I felt so depressed that my body ached. This week I feel better. I’m amazed at how the basics like getting a good night of sleep vs. having a night of interrupted sleep impact my ability to be calm and adaptable through the day. To that point, when I make healthy choices there is a direct payoff. I’m trying to make more healthy choices!
Anyway, imaginary blog friends, I missed you. I missed having an outlet to think things out on and a distinct place to tell the truth. I have some thinking to do and maybe I can come here and do it with my heart. Moving and buying a house, it sounds great and boring and normal and lucky and it is all of that. And it’s also forcing me to look at my entire life up until now, including how I’m currently living it. I am the creator of my life, thanks to the Grace of God. Oh God, please guide me. It’s time to admit that I want help. Queue “Lean on Me”.
Namaste, friends! Satnam.