I’ve Missed You

I’m writing here because I don’t know where else to write and I feel like writing.  I suppose a journal would make sense but I don’t want to feel alone in the world.  Isn’t that why we write blogs?  So we can share what we think and feel with other people without pushing our thoughts and feelings on them?  I like that if someone wants to read this, they can, but I’m not making anyone.  A blog needs to be sought out.

Which means I’m free to write whatever I want because no one is going to read this!!!!  Yippee!!!!!!  I haven’t written a blog post for about 9 months so what little followers I had have bound to have given up.  Which I suppose was the point of me giving up writing.  I didn’t feel like living in public anymore.  I didn’t want attention.  I wanted space.  I wanted time to focus my energy on living my life rather than reflecting on it.  But now I’m finding that I need some quiet reflection to make sense of what I’ve done and where I’m at, literally that physical place I’ve landed finally, Montclair, NJ.

We were on a journey.  Our baby died.  And then we wanted another baby and we had another baby and we didn’t bring her home, we drove our two week old baby across the country from Tennessee to California.  It’s so strange to write this and realize that we really did this.  She was so fragile and we took her so far away from our home.  We made a new home in a beautiful place because it was beautiful.  And because…..?  Why did we do that?

Well, maybe we weren’t ready to go home yet.  That’s what I’ve come to believe.  Because I tell you what, coming home was hard.  Landing, with all our stuff and all our emotional baggage, it was like my whole life was hitting me from childhood to present.

We’re doing good because we keep on sticking in it.  Last week I felt so depressed that my body ached.  This week I feel better.  I’m amazed at how the basics like getting a good night of sleep vs. having a night of interrupted sleep impact my ability to be calm and adaptable through the day.  To that point, when I make healthy choices there is a direct payoff.  I’m trying to make more healthy choices!

Anyway, imaginary blog friends, I missed you.  I missed having an outlet to think things out on and a distinct place to tell the truth.  I have some thinking to do and maybe I can come here and do it with my heart.  Moving and buying a house, it sounds great and boring and normal and lucky and it is all of that.  And it’s also forcing me to look at my entire life up until now, including how I’m currently living it.  I am the creator of my life, thanks to the Grace of God.  Oh God, please guide me.  It’s time to admit that I want help.  Queue “Lean on Me”.

Namaste, friends!  Satnam.

Breathe Out

Gosh.  Sometimes I get blindsided by an argument, I just don’t expect it.  I’m not going to talk about it because I don’t do that online, but I will say that I think we made a good choice to separate and cool down.  I’m sure we could have done so with more grace, but I do want to give us credit for choosing to take space and breathe.  We didn’t make a big fuss in front of the kids.  I put the kids down for bed, peacefully, and the kids went to sleep happy and fell asleep quickly.  Then I meditated for 20 minutes and prayed to God for peace in my heart and mind.  I also decided to forgive myself and my husband.  Afterwards we texted and he had chosen to meditate as well, so we were both consciously choosing to calm down.

I write about this because I feel like it’s important for my growth to recognize that I’m choosing to be kind and trying to rise above anger.  I can feel angry, but I don’t want to act out of anger and hurt my family.  Heck, I’d love not to feel angry at all, I just don’t think that’s very human.  I’m very human!  One of the many reasons we’re moving to Montclair is so that we’ll have more resources available to us.  We’re going to attend church as a family and I’ve very much looking forward to going to Kundalini yoga there.  I promise to work on being more accepting and forgiving of myself and others.

And with that, good-night.  We are moving in one week.  So yes, it makes sense that we might be edgy or more reactive than usual.  Did I mention that we’re throwing Roark’s birthday party at our house two days before the movers come?  Yes, now is the time for compassion and humor, too.  Anyone know and good jokes?

Love it Now

We’r moving in a week and two days.  Woot!  I don’t have much else to say right now.  The highlights of the day include a leisurely family trip to the Farmers Market and hunting down house decorating magazines.  I bought two African baskets at the Farmers Market and 4 magazines, one with focus on paint, very exciting!  Can you tell I want to get into my house?

My favorite part of the day was nursing Phoenix down for her afternoon nap and then holding her while she slept.  Half of the time I spent reading magazines and the other half I spent with Roark.  He crawled in bed with me, snuggling up with 3 books that I read to him in a whisper.  Roark is a big fan of Fancy Nancy, it’s so sweet.  We read “Fancy Nancy, Bonjour Butterfly” and “Fancy Nancy and the Fabulous Fashion Boutique”.  This with my all-boy, begging for “Transformers” toys, almost 5 year-old.  I hope he never decides those lovely books are too “girly”.

There has been something weighing on my heart, but I can’t talk about it online, it’s not right.  By this time tomorrow it will be over, the meeting will be done.  I had a good day with my family and my husband said something that helped to ground me, he said he was looking forward to driving with me in the car tomorrow.  It helped me realize how lucky I am to have someone who sticks with me through thick and thin.  And I love him so much.  I need to focus on all that’s going well and thank God for guiding us to this point.  Life is always going to have it’s bumps and upsets, I can’t wait around for it to be perfect.  I can love what I have in the now.  I am grateful.

News

Today, Saturday July 19th 2014 at 10:53am, we recieved this email:

“Hi George & Karina,

Congratulations, your loan has been approved!  I have attached a copy of your mortgage commitment for your review and signature, please return along with the following conditions requested by the underwriter:”

And then there was a list of documents to provide, of course.  But the point is, WE’RE APPROVED!  To be honest, it hasn’t sunk in yet.  All that worrying, well I can stop now.  We’re getting the mortgage, the movers are really coming and we’re really going to live in that pretty house.  It doesn’t really matter when we get the painters to come, the point is that we’ll have rooms for them to paint!  We’re going to be homeowners again, that gives me sense of pride and calm.  And this time we’re going to have a yard with big trees.  Sigh of gratittude.

That’s it.  That’s enough for one day.  Phoenix is taking her afternoon nap on me and Roark is playing so well by himself (thank you Hot Wheels).  I think I may browse at deck furniture online and relax.  Happy Saturday!!

No More Moving Stuff Now, Please

The fantastic news is that George came home last night!  Woo-hoo!!  Daddy in the house!!  I’m so happy to have a second parent around and I also like my guy a lot.  The “is what it is” news is that I’m feeling a bit burned out with moving stuff.  I need a break so I gave myself one and I’m doing my best to enjoy it rather than feel guilty.  Like I feel like I need to be making phone calls right now to find a painter, but it’s after 5pm on a Friday afternoon in the summer on the East coast, it’s not happening (I want the rooms in the house painted before we move in).  I need to chill out and let it go.  I also need some time to talk with my husband!  To make a plan, he’s been gone all week.  He got back after 8pm last night, I kept the kids up to see him, they were exhausted.  So he came home, we hugged and then put the kids to bed.  We talked for a little bit and then went to bed ourselves because poor George had been up since 4am, worked and then flew across the country, landed and drove over two hours home.  That’s why not Ojai; land and trudge through Friday traffic.  L.A. traffic, yuck.

Who am I kidding?  I’m going to miss it here.  I took Phoenix and spent an hour this afternoon going into lovely, local galleries and shops.  It’s not like I go shopping very often on the main street here so I thought I’d grab an iced Americano and stroll.  ’Cause now that we’re here for less than two weeks, I’m basically on vacation with chores.  Thinking this will hopefully help me enjoy myself rather than sink into anxiety.  Yay, art!  Yay, caffeine!  Yay, I deserve a break from packing boxes and arranging housy stuff!

Truthfully, there aren’t many more boxes.  Most of our stuff is in storage.  I’m just itching to get into our new house and feeling nervous about it.  The good news is (and this is real!) is that we got an email yesterday saying that our commitment letter is almost ready, we just have to get one repair done.  The basement has a water issue and we have an estimate, they’re requiring us to have it fixed within two weeks of closing.  That’s fine with us!  We were planning on doing it anyway.  I’m living and learning a ton right now, our last home was brand new and this one is around 120 years old, so different closings for sure.  We’re getting a French drain put it.  I think it’s funny that we’re moving from a place with no water to one with a water issue.  I’d rather have more than less.

Have a GREAT weekend!!!!!